Sure, they may have it all but nowadays celebrities definitely don’t seem to know it all. With cameras following their every move, the highs and lows of a celebrity’s life is on display 24/7. And while it’s fun to live vicariously through the lives of the Hollywood elite, sometimes celebrity life is more dramatic than a daytime soap. That’s because some celebs seem to make the same mistake over and over and over again. Watching their marriages unfold and their weight loss highs and lows can make you feel like you’re in an episode of “Celebrity Groundhog Day.”
It seems like some celebs could use some old fashioned good advice. So here’s whom I’d give some celeb advice to and what I’d tell them.
Advice for Celebs
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Khloe Kardashian
Dump him, quickly. They say “love is blind,” but they don’t say “love is stupid.” Sometimes it’s tough to admit if it walks and talks like a duck, it’s a cheating husband with a super creepy drug problem. Move on, girl.
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Lindsay Lohan
Shh! That’s right, shh. Stop talking. Stop going out late at night. Stop crashing cars. Stop trashing clothes. But most importantly, stop talking because every time you do, you blame someone else for squandering what could have been an amazing acting career. So get back to work and shh!
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Miley Cyrus
First of all, put your tongue away. We don’t want to see it. And we don’t want to see you “back it up” into Robin Thicke ever again. Why? Because you may be twerking, but you look like a teen. It’s creepy to watch a grown man grind a girl who looks like she’s still in elementary school. We get that you’re cool and edgy. But you’re not the first tween star to grow up. We’ve lived through Britney, Jessica and Xtina showing us they’re all grown up. So put your clothes on, put your tongue away and just sing. You do sing, don’t you?
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Simon Cowell
Congratulations, it’s a boy… with someone else’s wife! Cigars for everyone. Dude, you may be cool but shagging your close friend’s wife was not cool. It’s not like there’s a shortage of ladies in your lady filled world so why pick one who’s married to your buddy? Not cool, dude. You’re not going to be so thrilled when your bestie hooks up with your baby’s mama. Because that’s what she is now. She’s your baby’s mama.
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Gwenyth Paltrow
Sometimes, Gwyn, I want to take you aside and kindly explain why everyone hates you so much. Because truth be told, you’re a lovely actress and you seem like a good mom. You just also seem a little out of touch with your newfound Connecticut clip of the tongue and your high faluten website. You write books about healthy cooking with ingredients no human person I’ve ever known could afford. And you run a website that suggests Mother’s Day gifts that are 12K. You may be loaded, but we’re not. Stop trying to act like you’re one of us.
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Justin Bieber
Yo, Biebs. 1) Pull up your pants. I can see your Garanimals creeping through. 2) You’re about ten years old. Why are you at nightclubs until 3 am? 3) There’s nothing wrong with finishing high school. I’m not saying your career that I can’t understand is going to end soon, but I am saying there’s nothing wrong with learning to read just in case it does.
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Rihanna
No. Chris. Brown. I repeat, No. Chris. Brown. Now, back to your regularly scheduled fabulousness.
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Alec Baldwin
Alec, you're rich, you’re successful, you’re talented, you’re a handsome guy. Why are you so angry? What’s with all the shouting? Stop it. Stop yelling at photographers, flight attendants, and that lady crazy enough to marry you and make a baby. Stop it! You’re life’s pretty good.
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Taylor Swift
You are undeniably talented, though I do find listening to any song you sing just slightly less torturous than waterboarding. But you’re incredibly annoying with your scorned love songs and naming famous boyfriend names. Maybe they’d appreciate the same privacy and respect they’ve given you. Just sayin’.
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Kanye West
Smile, you’re on Kardashian camera! Kanye, I know it would ruin your street cred to smile, but you’re not actually from the street, you’re from the suburbs. For a new dad you’re awfully sullen. Come on, you’ve been pining for Kim K. for years and now you’ve finally got her. Lighten up, buddy. We’re starting to worry about you.
