We see the glittering ball tumble down in the dark at the closing of one year and feel optimistic about what we can be, and how we can change for the better in the next year. With champagne or sheer exhaustion causing a slightly delusional state as it pumps through our veins, we make a mental list of goals and decide to believe in ourselves this time. We might even announce them to friends and family during a raised-glass toast or while puttering on pooper, trying to come up with a “Like”able Facebook status update.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all also been there when we break each and every one of those resolutions. For those of us who have kids, it’s a little bit easier to do so more quickly. We’re really efficient that way. Here is a general timeline of when we’ll break all of those resolutions we make:
1. I’m not going to swear as much.
Broken by: 5:23 a.m., on New Year’s Day, when your kids wake you up by jumping onto your prone figure elbows-first because they don’t give a crap about things like letting you get more than four hours of sleep a night.
2. I am going to make healthier food choices.
Broken by: 12:30 p.m., on New Year’s Day, at the brunch you decide to go to because you’re too tired to cook. Yeah, there will be a salad option, but there will also be a lot of things that are absolutely NOT SALAD, too. Also? Cheese always wins. So does cake.
3. I will spend more time with my family.
Broken by: January 3, when you shout, “WOULD YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR TWO MOTHUHTRUCKIN’ MINUTES?” while running out of the house to go hide at the mall for a couple of hours because you have been right next to all of your family for the past three weeks straight, and don’t have it in you to wait another 20 hours for them to go back to school and work.
4. I will read more magazines and books, both for enjoyment and to learn more about my world.
Broken by: February 9, when you see the dust-covered novel you’ve been trying to read for the past month, but each time you pick it up you either have to help one of the kids with their homework, get interrupted by a puking cat, or pass out fast asleep when you try to read in bed. Try enjoying reading Twitter, instead. You might be able to fit 140-character-long reading breaks into your day. Maybe?
5. I will drink less alcohol.
Broken by: January 15, when you sit next to that one friend in book club who is an impressively stealth wine pourer. This is why your meetings are always within walking distance of home, of course. You really should have seen this one coming. (Never did finish reading the book, anyway, sooo…bottoms up!)
6. I will pick up a new hobby to challenge my brain.
Broken by: February 1, after doing all sort of research online and realizing between your kids’ school and sports schedules, your work, your monthly book club, and managing your home, you have exactly zero minutes during which you can pick up a new anything that requires any time at all. Besides, the only new hobby you’re truly interested in is napping, which doesn’t count (unfortunately).
7. I will lose the last five pounds I’ve been meaning to lose for ages.
Broken by: February 15, because you will go to the drug store to pick up a prescription and see all the chocolate reduced to 80 percent off and you will be on your period and so it will all fall into your basket then into your mouth and will keep falling in there UNTIL WHENEVER YOU SAY YOU ARE DONE SO BACK OFF, HUSBAND.
8. I will spend less money on things I don’t need.
Broken by: mid-March, when you discover the stores put out suuuuuuch cuuuuuuute spring stuff and you’re at that point in the year when everything is still cold and dreary so dropping a few Benjamins on all things happily flowery feels like the mentally healthy thing to do—OMG, DID YOU SEE THE MATCHING NOTEPADS, TOO? #NeedItAll
9. I will make a point to relax more, reducing the stress in my life.
Broken by: April 15, when your taxes are due but your husband calls to tell you that he forgot to mail them in, so can you please do it? While looking online for the closest post office to take it to, your email will ping with six new practice/game schedules for your kids’ sports, reminders that you need to start planning both of their birthday parties, and requests from the class moms for you to volunteer to help with the end-of-the-school-year activities you don’t remember signing up to help with. OooohhhhhMG THIS SUCKS.
10. I will be more organized, from my closets to my calendar.
Broken by: LOL, you’re funny. I like that. Trying to “be more organized…” *snorts*
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