Graduating from functional diaper bags to their way-cuter cousin the handbag has a way of making moms feel like they’ve successfully leveled-up in parenting. You can finally step up style-wise, getting around with the bare necessities in something fashionable instead of a fugly, many-pocketed beast bursting with sherpa-level just-in-casies. You think you’re finally free, finally in control of what you carry. Oh, how wrong you are.
Kids are nothing if not quick-fingered hoarders who love to have other people do their shlepping for them. This is why many of us make a point to do a purge of our purses every few days, for longer than that and the extra weight caused by our offsprings’ sneakiness could throw one’s spine out of whack. Here is an incomplete thing of things from trash to treasures that I’ve discovered during handbag deep-dives that you just might find in yours one day: no fingerprinting for culprits required.
1.
Bloody tooth.
2. Rocks.
3. Used kid-sized socks that do not belong to either of my kids.
4. Clump of tangled hair with rainbow-print ponytail holder attached.
5. Handful of LEGO.
6. Chewed gum.
7. More rocks.
8. Upside-down water bottle with cap screwed on juuuuuust imperfectly enough to allow a verrrry slow leak.
9. Breadsticks from the restaurant we ate at last night, each with one bite taken off the end.
10. A “good” stick almost big enough to be considered a branch.
11. Tiny stuffed animal bear.
12. Mulch.
13. Entire box of 32 crayons without the box.
14. Empty Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards they definitely should not have displayed on the counter within a toddler’s reach.
15. Glitter slime.
16. Wet, bent lollipop stick (sans candy).
17. Scratched-up sunglasses with watermelon print on the frame.
18. Used Band-Aids.
19. The handheld video game I said we’re absolutely not bringing with us.
20. Loose popcorn (white cheddar flavored, approximately one child-sized fistful).
21. An indescribable stickiness.
