I remember when it was just us: Me and my honey, so cute and in love and making pretty much everyone around us gag from adorableness exposure. Being a twosome is a lot of fun; we were always up to something, making memories, laughing at private jokes. Then we had kids (also fun), but it really does change everything.
EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.
We smugly said, “Oh, I think we’ll be different” and knowingly grinned at one another when parent after parent told us to enjoy our time as it was then, for it wouldn’t be quite the same once we became breeders. Now a decade later and with two kids under my belt, I am one of those parents warning cute couples to do things while they can. Like sleep, ever, and call your partner by his first name on the regular.
This is why I’m here now, telling you lovely, optimistic, well-rested childless folk to LISTEN TO EVERY WORD I HAVE TO SAY about these things to do before baby comes. I’ve heard stories from friends and family members over the years about the difference before and after kids that would make your eyeballs pop right outcha sweet innocent face and fall into that French-sounding soup you bought at the overpriced farmer’s market you attended last weekend on a whim with your main squeeze. Partnerships can absolutely remain wonderful no matter how big a litter of people pups you end up having, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t cherish certain twosome activities while you can. So, please, consider this a pre-baby bucket list for you to make your way through before having a baby. I’d hate to have to say, “I told you so.”
Pre-Baby Bucket List: 31 Things Every Couple Should Do Before Having a Baby
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Stay up all night together.
Go bar hopping until the last bartender says, "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," or binge watch an entire season of a new-to-you show on Netflix until you can no longer physically keep your eyes open. Then sleep in as late as you want the next day without interruption! Weeee!
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Make a nice meal at home.
Eat sitting down and at the same time while the food is still hot. LIVE THE DREAM FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN DO SO NO LONGER.
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Be spontaneously sexy.
Make out on your couch before leaving for your parents' for dinner. Or against the kitchen counter when you finish washing the few dishes from dinner. Or pretty much whenever for no reason at all and never get interrupted because those were nice times.
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Decorate your apartment in whatever you want.
Buy glass furnishing with sharp edges. Place breakable décor anywhere you darn well please. GO CRAZY WITH FREEDOM.
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Go on a date to the movies.
A loud, R-rated movie. Bonus points if you two laugh so hard at jokes that are terribly inappropriate and should never be told in front of impressionable children that you can’t catch your breath.
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Have a two-person book club that’s awesomely just SO YOU GUYS.
Read books without the words “baby” or “potty” or “sleep” or “discipline” in the title together and discuss them in a way that doesn’t make either of you panic/slam doors.
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Own a car simply because it’s cool.
Small + fast + sexy = DO IT WHILE YOU CAN. Funkily retro + expensive upkeep + slightly unsafe = I DON'T CARE, IT'S MINE.
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Do a fun sport together that you used to love as kids.
Play mini golf without yelling, “C’MON I SAID STAY ON THE PATH” to anyone at all. Talk trash without having to apologize and let them win to make up for trying to be funny.
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Lazily connect by napping together.
Enforce mandatory Nappuccino Time for Two when either of you is feeling drowsy. Make two cappuccinos, slip into your PJs together, drink that coffee quickly, and tuck each other in. Make sure to have your napping essentials set up in advance: his-and-hers eye shades, room darkening curtains, and a white noise machine. By the time you both wake up, the caffeine will have kicked in to give you energy for whatever it is you think you might want to do. *ahem*
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Eat in candlelit restaurants after dark.
Expensive restaurants with food that’s difficult to pronounce and so, so deliciously not cold leftover boxed mac and cheese seasoned with dinnertime apathy.
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Watch a TV show without interruption.
Happily banter over what you’re seeing? Yes. Shout, “QUICK LOOK OVER THERE” while hitting Mute if a sex scene/violent curse-laden scene suddenly appears? No.
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Use your fireplace to set the mood.
Get the fires burning—literally and then figuratively—now that the apartment is quiet, without needing to strategically barricade it from all angles to prevent anyone from crawling into it out of genuine curiosity.
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Have friends over for dinner.
Do not serve chicken nuggets or apple juice to anyone at all. Play background music that has the “Explicit Lyrics” warning label on some of the songs, and not give a hoot.
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Take a camping trip.
Hike some big hills to the middle of nowhere, get nice and sweaty, set up a tent built for two, make a simple meal of your favorite things in the fresh air, skinny dip yourselves clean, and then enjoy the privacy of that tent in the empty woods for as long as you have the energy to.
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Go to a concert together.
Make sure the band says lots of four-letter-words. Wear a really tight ironic t-shirt with shredded jeans and not need to explain it.
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Take a nice long drive together, with no set destination.
Do so in companionable silence the entire time, without having to put in a single Kidz Bop CD, or sit turned in your seat to say, "SHHHHHH" as loud as you can the whole time while mentally begging her to JUST PLEASE FALL ASLEEP.
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“Vacation” on your vacation.
Go where you two want, when you want, and do what you want while you’re there. Come home from the trip rested, not ready to move into the tree house for some freedom from the people you love most.
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Sleep in until your bodies are ready to wake up.
Stay in bed until your spouse is ready to get up, just because you can. Take your time transitioning from horizontal to vertical—there’s no rush, there’s no crash in the other room, there’s no one quite likely painting their crib with a poopy diaper. RELISH THIS TIME.
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Take a walk around your neighborhood, hand-in-hand.
Savor not having to tell anyone to stop going into the street/into the stranger’s yard/picking the neighbor’s prized roses approximately one million times per quarter mile traveled.
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Find a drive-in movie theater.
Who cares what's playing? Just make sure you drove there in something with a big backseat. Okay, make sure it's not a total mood-killing G-rated movie, and then head on over with your spacious vehicle and ulterior motives.
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Take selfies of you two looking adorably in love.
Rested, happy, and appearing in the same photograph at the same time without the presence a cartoon character birthday cake you spent way too much on at that bakery your mother-in-law insisted was the best one in town, and three kids looking in different directions (possibly crying).
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Wake up without being poked in the eyes/kneed in the groin/elbowed in the throat.
Use those functioning eyes to see the perfect amount of space both you and your partner have in your nice, big bed. So. Much. Blessed. Silent. Space.
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Communicate openly and often.
Talk about anything at all—your dreams, office gossip, that thing he did really well to you last night—without needing to do the pause-and-listen to ensure no tiny people eavesdropping on you for content they plan to share with their friends, grandma, everyone who comes to the school assembly.
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Smooch all the time.
Kiss without spectators making faux dry-heaving sounds or crying and hitting Daddy because of the Oedipal Complex stage.
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Make sure you both have toys.
Store your special playthings in unlocked nightstands for easy access while you can, before the likelihood of someone innocently snatching one to bring to show-and-tell increases exponentially.
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Be international travelers together.
Visit another country, eat weird things, ignore jet lag, be happy the whole time, never once Googling to see where the same family-friendly chain restaurants they have back in your town are there, shopping malls, or “How to entertain yourselves while trapped in a hotel half your trip dealing with kids suffering from jet lag.”
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Go shopping together and treat yourselves for no particular reason.
Use your money to buy things you want, not loud, messy, overpriced “As Seen On TV” things small people have been begging for every hour on the hour for the last six months so you relented in a moment of weakness and now have to follow through on. Or crap for school fundraisers.
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Christen public landmarks.
No, not like that. I don't want you to get arrested, for goodness sake! Just kiss -- like, really kiss -- whenever you arrive at a known landmark: famous statues, top of the Empire State Building, Chicago's bean -- smooch at all of them. No need to talk about their importance or give a history lesson, just get your snog on.
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Go on double dates.
Hang out with couples that have no kids. Discuss topics that are not other peoples’ bodily functions or sleep-related. These kinds of friends disappear once you procreate.
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Have fun letting things escalate between you two.
Start a pillow fight that ends in a much more enjoyable activity than a trip to the pediatric ER because some day soon, all fun will end with a trip to the pediatric ER.
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Play it by ear.
Whatever, man. Like, do anything at all, whenever the mood strikes. No strings attached. Just live, without the newborn cries of need, toddler demands, big kid begging, constant phone alert reminders, and sports/school/doctor appointment schedule flow chart on your shared calendar ruling your life.
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